...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
