if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
