I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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