Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
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