I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
