onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
