What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
