I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
