i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
