lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
