Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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