she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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