i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
