Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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