I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
