You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
My ass is underappreciated
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
