Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
