she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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