Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
