apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
