if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
