i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize