saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
