Are we in a gay sports bar?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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