Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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