Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
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