My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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