What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
