does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize