Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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