Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
