dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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