I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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