So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
