I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
