Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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