My nipple is on Facebook.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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