Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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