Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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