tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
