Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
It's blow job season.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
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