if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
he puts the penis in happiness.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
