Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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