i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
We need to get me chipped asap
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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