Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
