Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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