Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
