he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
My dad just said "fuck circus"
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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