I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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