I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
