I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm too high and old for this...
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
