Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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