She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
