Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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