based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
