i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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