the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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