Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
