new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
