Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
