bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
