Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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